Okay, the beginning of my story ive already posted and more additions.....what do you think?

its good writing, and i don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything but i really have no idea whats going on or what its about. if your going to have two peoples thoughts at once you should have different chapters for them. like the same scenario but how it went down according to them. otherwise it gets confusing like this. but you had some really good sentences in there.